This Text Contains Product Placement.

“Hello and welcome to the National Google Health Service. Your consultation today is sponsored by Vitabit, the vitamin designed for longevity and enhanced sexual performance.”
“Erm… Hello.”
“Please position yourself in the Consulting Chair.”
“Just here?”
“Thank you. Your weight is recorded as one hundred and two kilos.”
“Oh, I didn’t realise I was going to be weighed. Can I put my briefcase down and try again?”
“In order to calibrate our speech recognition accurately, please repeat the following popular phrases. Coca-Cola is good for me.”
“Coca-Cola is good for me.”
“I need a new Nexus.”
“I need a new Nexus.”
“Thank you. We have calibrated your speech to an accuracy level of 98%. Please state your name.”
“James Edwards.”
“Thank you JANE, please state your date of birth.”
“What? No, not Jane. I said James, James Edwards.”
“Nineteenth of June 1925. Is that correct?”
“Of course it isn’t. That would make me a hundred and… um… Old. Very old.”
“Thank you, JANE. Our patient records show that you are DEAD. Is that correct?”
“No. Do I look dead? Is there a real doctor here?”
“Would you like us to amend our patient records to show you are ALIVE?”
“Have you recently been injured in an accident which wasn’t your fault?”
“Would you like a cookie, JANE?”
“Is it gluten-free? Only I have a problem with gluten. I blow up like a balloon.”
“Thank you for accepting our cookies. Please keep your arms still on the armrest, JANE we need to take a blood sample.”
“Hey, why the clamps? I can’t move.”
“Are you able to move?”
“No, I just said that.”
“Good, just relax, JANE. This will not hurt.”
“Ow! That hurt.”
“Your internet browsing history indicates you are currently researching… LESBIAN THREESOMES. One of our trusted associates specialises in LESBIAN THREESOMES. You will be redirected to their service at the end of your visit here today.”
“No, really. Thank you. It was an accident, I clicked on the wrong link.”
“Tell me more about your problem… YOU BLOW UP LIKE A BALLOON.”
“It’s only when I eat gluten. But that’s not why I came. You see—”
“When did you have your last period?”
“What? I don’t have periods. Can you let my arms go?”
“I’m sorry, we did not understand your reply. Have you had a period in the last three months? Please answer yes or no.”
“Thank you. Your symptoms indicate with a probability factor of 99.7% that you are… PREGNANT.”
“What? No, that’s ridiculous.”
“Please remain seated. One of our Customer Relocation Droids will shortly transfer you to our examination suite for a full internal examination.”